For 365 days, I constantly thought about suicide. It was all I would think about somedays. I would struggle to WANT to do ANYTHING but just fade away into the darkness. For 365 days, I felt like no one saw me and so no one would miss me. Those were the darkest days of my life. I’m hoping by telling my truth and my story, I can help someone else that is struggling just like me.
My name is Necole and I’m a 38 year old wife and mother. I have always been a strong personality. I have always thought of myself as a VERY strong woman. I am not one to quit or to give up, and I definitely am not one to think depression could ever beat me. BUT it almost did……..
On January 7, 2016, I was 18.5 weeks pregnant with my second child. I was nervous, excited, but most of all I was HAPPY to be having another little life that was created out of our LOVE. I was anxiously waiting for the 20 week mark so we could find out the gender. I wanted a little girl. I wanted a little person that looked, talked and acted just like me. I wanted to have that Mother/ Daughter bond that my mom and I have. We were over joyed and so happy to be adding to our family. On January 9, 2016, I delivered a still born baby girl. She weighed 2 lbs and was 10 inches long and flew up to Heaven at 3:03pm. This is the day the person I use to be died along with my tiny baby girl. This was day 1 of my long year of battling depression, anxiety, and for my LIFE.
I am just like anyone else. I have insecurities. I stress about money (ALL THE TIME). I wonder if I look fat in ALL my clothes. I hope my husband still finds this new rounder body just as sexy as he did before. I was NORMAL. I never thought in a million years, I would no longer have the will to live anymore. I never guessed I would have to find the will power to breathe on a daily basis. I never thought I would not care if I left my son without his mother or my husband without his life partner. I never thought loosing someone I never got to meet would change my life in ways that I will never heal from. I never thought miscarriage was something I would experience, but that was actually my new reality. I was now a part of a statistic. I was now a mother of an Angel Baby baby and all I wanted to do was not be here. I wanted to quit. I wanted to sleep. I wanted to not exist.
For the first few months, I threw myself into my work so that I wouldn’t think about anything or FEEL anything. That was mistake #1. My work became my life and then it became my HELL. When my work became more of a jail sentence then an escape, I started to destroy everything to do with work until there was NO MORE. I was just pushing all my sorrow and pain deep down. I focused on staying busy. Then pain turned into ANGER. I HATED the job I use to LOVE. I hated everything about it! I hated my sister whom was my partner. I became so angry and so pissed at everything and everyone. I destroyed the relationship I had built with my sister. I blamed everyone for my failures. So I said F’ this job and quit. That was mistake #2.
Soon all that anger started being directed at my home life. I was hurting so much inside. I was struggling to just get out of bed. I felt so ALONE. It felt like NO ONE cared what I was going through or even NOTICED how much pain I was in. That was mistake #3. I soon realized if no one noticed what I was going through then most likely no one would notice if I wasn’t here anymore. I stopped eating. If I could have stopped breathing I would have. Why even bother? What was the point? I just wanted to never open my eyes to this shitty world again. I didn’t feel like ANYONE in my life even wondered how I was doing because NO ONE was trying to find out. People I considered friends never called, never texted, and never visited. Then again, when people would ask “How are you doing?”, I would just smile, say “fine” and change the subject. I didn’t want people to know I was struggling to live. I didn’t want people to think I was weak. I didn’t want to say OUT LOUD “I wanted to die.” I didn’t want to ask for help. I just wanted someone to pick me up and do it for me. I wanted people to see I needed help, support, love, attention all these things but I didn’t want to ASK for. After realizing that wasn’t going to happen, I decided to stop trying altogether.
See depression becomes your best friend. It is always there for you when you least expect it. It is always waiting to greet you with open arms and it’s DEFINITELY always willing to be there when NO ONE else was. I blamed everyone for a long time for not “trying” to help me. I was mad at all those people who said they were my friends that never called, never came by, never asked how I was, or never tried to be well a FRIEND. I still don’t know if I’m quiet over the lack of support I felt from these “friends” BUT I do know NOW you have to be willing to ASK for help because sometimes people just don’t have the ability to see.
So fast forward to October 10, 2017. I am sitting at the Dr office waiting to talk to the lady who is going to help me either have another healthy baby or tell me it’s not possible. See since that day in January, I have had 4 more miscarriages (4 wks, 10 wks, 12 wks & 8 wks). I desperately wanted to have that baby girl. I was suppose to be the mother of 2. Now I was facing MORE loss and MORE despression because for whatever reason I could not keep a viable pregnancy. Maybe this was just not meant to be. Maybe I was never going to be able to carry another child. If you are a woman and your 38 AND in my case more fluffy that fit =) then your odds of having another child are like winning the lottery. I’ve never felt more old, more over weight, and more out of date then trying to conceive at 38 pushing 39. Once again, depression is always by my side in times of need.
See I met my soulmate at 30. I enjoyed my 20’s and was discovering who I was as a person. Then one day someone asks “You’re not married?” WHAT?????? Well crap I didn’t know you had a timeline to get married and have kids. WTH…. I always tell my husband, “I wish I would have met you when I was 20. Then I would have had more time to love you and make beautiful little babies with you.” The fact of the matter is at 20, I was NOT the same person at 30. Everything happens for a reason…..
So now here I sit, in this cold Dr’s office waiting to hear either good news or bad new or NO news. My blood pressure is high and my head is pounding because I’m 12 days post miscarriage. Anxious, desperate, sad and fed up are all the emotions I am experiencing while PATIENTLY waiting. Here in this blank room is where I started to write. I started writing about everything. The emotions just started pouring out of me and onto the paper like a tidal wave. With every word I wrote, I felt a little bit of relief, comfort and hope. I have been through SO MANY dark, lonely days that I never thought I would share them let alone write a blog for the whole world to read. BUT here I am, an open book and finding I am healing through telling my story. I want people to know they are NOT ALONE. I don’t want ANYONE to have to find their way through the darkness as I did. I just kept spewing words of pain, of sorrow, of loss, and then something strange happened. I realized I was FEELING once again. I was excited! I woke up and couldn’t wait to start writing more. Wait WHAT? Is that a glimse of the old me I was feeling and starting to see in the mirror again. Finding myself again through this blog will be the ultimate healing experience. So here I am telling my story and taking you all on my journey of waiting on a RAINBOW.