The day I had a Brittany MELTDOWN…

No matter what has happened in my life, 9 times out of 10 I can say “I wouldn’t change anything” because MOST of the time the outcome had a purpose.

BUT THE DAY I CUT ALL MY HAIR OFF……….

 

I had just been exsisting for weeks!! I felt like everything was weighing me down so I took out my husbands beard trimmer and attacked my hair =/  I started with just shaving off the length and made it shorter.  I was staring at myself in the mirror and just didn’t know who was staring back at me anymore.  I felt like a stranger in my own body.  In the mirror was this sad, depressed person who looked like life was beating her down.   I didn’t like the person I saw in the mirror so I kept cutting.  AND CUTTING!!!!! Finally when I was covered in lumps of hair, I looked up again at that sad, pathetic woman I saw earlier and I began to cry.  Now all I saw was the truth.  There was no hiding.  There was no hair to make the pain seem easier.  I felt VERY EXPOSED and VERY SAD the weight I tried to lift was now heavier than ever.

 

I instantly regreted it but what was I gonna do???

We have so MANY things that we cling to as security blankets. My hair was NEVER one of them, BUT the day I cut it all off I never felt so vulnerable.  It was like I was standing in the middle of a crowd NAKED.  I never realized how much my hair hid my insecurities and helped me blend in.  I now was the center of attention and EVERYONE was looking at me!!!!  AND ALL I WANTED TO DO WAS HIDE!

What was I going to do?  I was so exposed.  There was NOTHING to hide behind.  I have naturally curly, black hair, and I had recently died my hair purple because WHY NOT!  I was use to getting attention for my hair.  People were ALWAYS stopping and complimenting my curly hair or now my purple hair.  However, I was use to that attention.  I knew people at some point would comment about my hair.  NOW, it felt like EVERYWHERE I went people were staring at me.  Not because they LIKED my hair but because they were shocked by the way I looked.

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So now, here I am no hair, no confidence, no want to live, and the last thing I wanted was attention from outsiders.  I was already terrified to leave my house.  There were days sometimes weeks I never left my house.  We could be completely out of milk, bread, eggs, toilet paper, whatever and I would make any excuse for why I couldn’t go to the store. My house was my safe zone and I refused to leave unless I felt safe.

I felt like a bobble head on top of this fat, round body.  I never felt more unattractive in my life.  My poor husband would always tell me he thought it was cute or pretty.  He knew!  He knew I hated it and honestly I think he did too.  But he knew, he had to make me feel comfortable about what I had done because there was NO going back.

I don’t know what I learned from this experience other that I WILL NEVER DO THAT AGAIN!  But I can tell you, hair can be such a confidence booster and make you feel like life is managable even when it’s not.

AND NOW I know EXACTLY what Brittany Spears was going through in 2007!!!!!

 

 

 

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5 thoughts on “The day I had a Brittany MELTDOWN…

  1. You’re beatufiul regardless of hair style or cut or color. I’m not one for short haircuts, but I actually think it’s fun and kinda wild the way the curls lay now ;). I know I don’t know you from Adam, but I get what you’re expressing, and I just want to say I’ve been there too. I didn’t cut my hair (probably because it grows as slow as a snail 😉 ), but I did battle depression, anxiety, and panic attacks last year (and have had PPD in the past, and some PTSD from stuff with my youngest daughter). Know this: You are loved. You are wanted. You mean something. Thank you for sharing your story.

    Like

  2. Ohh I think it absolutely looks amazing!

    I cut mine recently for similar reasons, I lack confidence with short hair… it’s weird isn’t it, because my mum has alway his short hair and feels the same about long hair.

    I miss mine 😦

    Xx

    Like

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