No matter what has happened in my life, 9 times out of 10 I can say “I wouldn’t change anything” because MOST of the time the outcome had a purpose.
BUT THE DAY I CUT ALL MY HAIR OFF……….
I had just been exsisting for weeks!! I felt like everything was weighing me down so I took out my husbands beard trimmer and attacked my hair =/ I started with just shaving off the length and made it shorter. I was staring at myself in the mirror and just didn’t know who was staring back at me anymore. I felt like a stranger in my own body. In the mirror was this sad, depressed person who looked like life was beating her down. I didn’t like the person I saw in the mirror so I kept cutting. AND CUTTING!!!!! Finally when I was covered in lumps of hair, I looked up again at that sad, pathetic woman I saw earlier and I began to cry. Now all I saw was the truth. There was no hiding. There was no hair to make the pain seem easier. I felt VERY EXPOSED and VERY SAD the weight I tried to lift was now heavier than ever.
I instantly regreted it but what was I gonna do???
We have so MANY things that we cling to as security blankets. My hair was NEVER one of them, BUT the day I cut it all off I never felt so vulnerable. It was like I was standing in the middle of a crowd NAKED. I never realized how much my hair hid my insecurities and helped me blend in. I now was the center of attention and EVERYONE was looking at me!!!! AND ALL I WANTED TO DO WAS HIDE!
What was I going to do? I was so exposed. There was NOTHING to hide behind. I have naturally curly, black hair, and I had recently died my hair purple because WHY NOT! I was use to getting attention for my hair. People were ALWAYS stopping and complimenting my curly hair or now my purple hair. However, I was use to that attention. I knew people at some point would comment about my hair. NOW, it felt like EVERYWHERE I went people were staring at me. Not because they LIKED my hair but because they were shocked by the way I looked.
So now, here I am no hair, no confidence, no want to live, and the last thing I wanted was attention from outsiders. I was already terrified to leave my house. There were days sometimes weeks I never left my house. We could be completely out of milk, bread, eggs, toilet paper, whatever and I would make any excuse for why I couldn’t go to the store. My house was my safe zone and I refused to leave unless I felt safe.
I felt like a bobble head on top of this fat, round body. I never felt more unattractive in my life. My poor husband would always tell me he thought it was cute or pretty. He knew! He knew I hated it and honestly I think he did too. But he knew, he had to make me feel comfortable about what I had done because there was NO going back.
I don’t know what I learned from this experience other that I WILL NEVER DO THAT AGAIN! But I can tell you, hair can be such a confidence booster and make you feel like life is managable even when it’s not.
AND NOW I know EXACTLY what Brittany Spears was going through in 2007!!!!!