So by now you have probably realized I AM A MESS!!!!! Not only was I battling severe depression, anxiety, panick attacks and PTS from everything I had been through, but I also was having to continue living and raising my then 2 yr old son. I am a stay at home mom and now I was a suicidal, depressed stay at home mom. How do you tell your 2 yr old, mommy needs a break. YOU DON’T!!!
I know I wasn’t 100% myself, and I know I could have been a much better mom during that year. But damn it, I still woke up everyday and made sure he was ok even though I was not! There were many days that Gio would have to tell me he was hungry because I didn’t care about the basics. I was just going through the motions to get me through the day and desperately trying to not think about anything else. I am not proud of the mom I was over the past year, BUT I can say my son is very loved and he just knew he had to be a little stronger on some of the days where I was not.
Being a mom with despression is hard. It’s even harder when you are raising a little person who has your EXACT PERSONALITY. Oh dear GOD, this kid may look just like his daddy BUT he was 1000% ME! Mouthy, sassy, not going to listen no matter how much you bribed him, stubborn as a mule, independent, but overall a GREAT baby. He is truly just the happiest little soul I have ever met. It teaches me so much everyday about being a better human being. I want him to be proud I am his mom. I want him to be the best version of himself he can be. So that’s why I choose to stay home and be a miserable ol’ crotchity mom.
I mean lets face it…. I am NOT fond of this new Suzy Homemaker life I have now. YES, spending 24 hrs a day with my son is magical and makes my eye twitch all at the same time. IT IS SO STRESSFUL!!! Laundry, 3 meals a day, cleaning 3 times a day the same mess, trying to negotiate with a tiny drunk person who has been on this planet for 3 years and knows it ALL, and last but not least still having to be hot for my husband and give him the same amount of attention he wants like I have time or energy for all that! I’m exhausted just typing that! I eat, sleep and live to serve and provide for everyone BUT myself. I don’t even know who I use to be anymore. I feel so lucky I have time to take a shower and brush my teeth everyday. That is my “ME” time Ugggggg I can’t use the bathroom without a toddler, a cat or a husband asking me for something. Coffee is my new crack. It’s an extreme life change, but I am so thankful I get the option to be this miserable! LOL
I had a few people in my ear about putting him in daycare. “He would do so much better if he was around other kids” this is what they would say to me. “He could learn so much more if he was in daycare” WTF… So now I am not good enough to teach him how to be a good person, a smart individual, or how to be in a socially adjusted around kids. At least, that is what I heard when they spoke. Not to mention, HOW WAS I GOING TO PAY FOR THIS?? Sure I wanted the freedom of not being a mom 24 hours a day. Being a stay at home mom IS EXHAUSTING!! If I could have a few days a week to myself that would be like winning the lottery! HOWEVER, Giovanni MIGHT be my only child at this point. WHY would I sacrifice getting to spend these early years with him. I get to be apart of every single major milestone of his life and if I dropped him off at daycare that would never happen. See I think we as a society GIVE UP TO EASILY! Everyone wants to find a way out when things start to get TOUGH. You think having kids is going to be playing dress up, snuggles, kisses and picture perfect moments that social media and Pinterest trick your mind into believing. Being a parent is by far the HARDEST thing I have ever done in my life, BUT it is the MOST REWARDING!!!!! I will be damned if I give my kid to someone else to share all those precious moments that Gio and I share. Besides, if I WERE to put him in daycare my ENTIRE paycheck would barely cover this new expense. So my 40 hours AWAY from my son would pay just for daycare and then I would come home EXHAUSTED and become the parent I NEVER wanted to be. Don’t get me wrong, I KNOW some of us moms don’t have a choice. The way we live comes with certain financial strains. Sometimes both parents have to work to maintain a certain lifestyle. I CHOOSE to sacarifice all of those luxuries that I didn’t need in life so that I could stay home with my son. My husband and I struggle daily with money issues and we have had many days where even food wasn’t an option because we didn’t have money for it. It is very soul crushing to have to choose diapers over eating, BUT I would choose that struggle every single time. I don’t go shopping anymore, out to eat with friends anymore, get my nails done, get my hair done, buy new clothes or live in house that is perfectly decorated in the exact neighborhood I always dreamed of. But guess what I do have, I have a son who loves and knows his mother and father. I have memories and moments that I would never trade.
He spends every single moment of his tiny life with us and we get to bond with him in ways that most people don’t get to. He is extremely smart, very funny, outgoing, and NOT socially awkward. He hasn’t been sheltered by staying home with me instead I think he has become the individual I would always hope he would become. I know all the stress and struggle that I have endured in the past 3 years was all worth it. I know that choosing to stay home with my son helped me become a better person. It wasn’t about raising him the way I expected, it was about him teaching me about patience, unconditional love, enjoying the little things in life, and learning to be a better human being. Being a mom is what saved my life in the end. Gio constantly walks around in the most glorious mood. He is always laughing and smiling. His spirit lights up a room and EVERYONE who is around him just feels his loving soul radiating. Maybe the Universe knew I needed a strong and loving child because I would endure some dark days. I am forever greatful that he is my son, and I will always strive to be the best mom he deserves for the rest of my life. At the end of the day, taking care of him forced me to get up and to find the courage and strenth to survive. Maybe Gio picked me to be his Mommy because he knew I would need his strength to guide me along the journey. All I know is he is the most magical human being I have every met, and I strive everyday to be the Mom he deserves!!!